If you read the recap or belong to our league you know that I lost a pretty tragic one. It has got me thinking- what’s the meaning of life? Why do we even play this game? I wish the sun would explode and put us all out of our misery. (4-3, 25-31)


Matchup of The Week: Andrew Pooped His Pants vs The Team Formerly Known As Finger Friday
Weston vs Brendan

Is one matchup really more important than the next? Who’s to say? I used to think it was me. If McKinnon plays I pick Brendan, if not I pick Weston. Brendan has no meaningful replacement – just like life seems to have no meaning. Not concerned with Big Ben, I might even play Kaepernick just for designed rushes against the Saints. I might not though, too. Whatever.

Crook’s Trophy Shop vs The Tom Hillier Experience
Brad W vs Myself

Brad has so many byes it’s crazy. Not that crazy though. If you’re reading this keep my voice down in your head. An apathetic tone is the correct one for this article’s entirety. I pick me, I guess.

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Remember Tyler Berry vs NOMO ROMO
Brad L vs Tj

This one is gonna be a snoozefest. It might finally push me over the edge. Has my life been reduced to keeping tabs on shit like this? Of course it has. I’m gonna take Remember Tyler Berry. I remember that guy – I miss him…

Colin A “missing”person  vs Brad “the poop” Williamson
Colin vs Andrew

This is the week that I finally point it out. There is no fucking space between Colin’s closing quotation mark and the final word in his team name. Not even gonna mention that they don’t capitalize the nicknames within their names. Not even gonna do it. This is about the have-Julios and the have-not-Julios. Colin is gonna win and if he doesn’t his season is over. If Julio and Marshall can’t do it for you by now, just pack it up but don’t even blame yourself. Honestly, don’t worry because there’s other shit going on in the world that you can pour money and hopes into, only to have them sift through your hands like the sands of time.

Charles Schwab Series 7 vs Team Janice Whartenby
Tyler vs Carey

If LeSean McCoy sits, Tyler is fucked and this pick picks itself. If McCoy plays this pick fucks itself. So since I do this shit so early because I am dumb I pick Carey. The Earth needs to spin around a few more times before we will know the health of Tyler’s team. The Earth. Spinning. And then that spinning around the sun (which will explode eventually). Major cosmic events are happening all around us all the time and we are concerned with trivial points assigned to athletes risking their lives for our entertainment – their injuries reminding us all of our own mortality. Who is more lost? Us or them?

Chips n’ Gronk vs Josh Gordon Is Coming
Xavi vs Steven

Going with Steven. I have been a lot, so why change now? Nothing I say or do will have any effect. I admit that this game might make me like fantasy football and life again. There’s a lot to analyze. Every RB and WR has a game where they have put up over 20 points. The kind of performances that breathe life back into a fantasy owner. I remember those days. Seem so far away now..

 

Hey Elon, pull the plug on the simulation. Or at least let me go die on Mars. Fuck me up fam.