As I anxiously awaited the premiere of South Park’s 20th season, I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between it and my fantasy team. Two longstanding powerhouses that are both perfect shit talkers – wow. Anyway, let’s go over how I did last week.

Brad L vs Yours Truly (Matchup of The Week)
I picked myself, and I won.

Tyler vs Xavi
I picked Tyler, and I was wrong.

Colin vs Weston
I picked Weston, and I was right.

Brendan vs TJ
I picked Brendan, and I was wrong.

Steven vs Andrew
I picked Andrew, and I was right.

Brad W vs Carey
I picked Carey, and I was wrong.

So I Jeff Fishered it. 3-3. But you know what? I make the rules. I am officially declaring the Matchup of The Week a moneyball. 4-3. There were good calls and there were bad in my better than .500 week. Some good ones include starting DeSean Jackson over DT, saying Ameer Abdullah was going to be important to the win, hating Colin’s defense and Stewart, etc. Some not-so-good include saying Hill wouldn’t score, Fleener was an obvious advantage over Witten, Baldwin would start to falter and just saying that Brendan’s team was good in general.

Nevertheless, the past is the past and here we have arrived at the second week of the regular season. I give to you #TomsPicksofTheWeek!

First order of business is the Matchup of The Week. It’s a matchup as old as the league itself. The two play twice every year, as we have never changed our schedules. One team has won every single time. And no, it isn’t Weston and I (even though we are playing this week and all of that applies (in my favor)).

Crook’s Trophy Shop vs NOMO ROMO
Brad W vs Tj

The always tough to pick Eagles burned me last week and now I’ve gone and made this game worth two picks. Brad’s shiny new tight end named Rob Gronkowski is the centerpiece of this story. Without him, I feel like Blount is worse and I still believe this Baldwin streak ends sometime. If this all were to happen, I feel like Tj can pull this one off even if he is starting Celek. Celek would be a sneaky good daily fantasy play as well hmmm. I digress, if Gronk plays I’m going with the favorite in Brad. If he doesn’t, which would hold true to Brad vs Tj form, I’m going with Tj continuing to hold his dominion over Brad’s worthless fantasy existence. I’m using big words to distract you from the fact I used a conditional pick on the Matchup of The Week.

Chips n’ Gronk (Apparently about to change names) vs Remember Tyler Berry
Xavi vs Brad L

Following Brad L’s L I believe he nabs his first win. Cj Anderson is going to lead the charge for Brad while Xavi’s QB Andrew Luck regresses against the Broncos. Brad’s lineup looks ragtag and frankly I love it. It’s the kind of shit we’ve come to expect from him. He is very efficient and Sterling Shepard is a great start this week vs the Saints. I believe if more news breaks between now and TNF he’ll put Watkins back in. His Bills fandom will not let him start touchdown machine Eric Decker for some reason as he has Will Fuller V in in his stead. What I’m really saying though is that Xavi is starting Steve Smith – c’mon son. This is a projection based upset.

Charles Schwab Series 7 (Should change his name) vs Finger Friday
Tyler vs Brendan

Despite his recent loss, I’m going with Finger Friday (insert James Franco stank dick meme). There’s something I just couldn’t put my finger on last week… funny how you wanna keep smelling it though. The Rams, despite their pathetic performance Monday night, play the Seahawks well historically and with Wilson hurt I expect that to be the case. This means that there’s trouble in Tyler’s QB position. Like I said last week, the Jets stoic run defense should keep their opposing RB (Tyler’s) out of the endzone. Frank Gore’s matchup is not great for him either, but maybe he can fall in. Still love Brendan’s team and he’s still starting Sanders. This is barely, but technically, a projection based upset.

Colin A “missing”person vs Josh Gordon Is Coming
Colin vs Steven

This once thriving bromance meets in week 2. Digitally. Colin may never be seen again. Colin’s team is stacked – Newton, Stewart, Ware, Julio, Bmarsh, Gates and Floyd. These are just better players than Steven is doling out. He’ll need one of those 3 touchdown games from Jeremy Hill and he’ll need to pick a tight end. As it stands, he doesn’t have one in. That doesn’t matter to me though because I’m going with the ghost, even if he’s starting the defense that got him -4 last week.

Brad “the poop” Williamson vs Team Janice Whartenby
Andrew vs Carey

We are lucky enough to be blessed with Bortles vs Rivers in this matchup and on our television sets. On the other coast, we could be watching the first episode of the Odell Beckham Jr show against the Saints. I find that to be likely and I’m sure Carey is hoping for the same. Andrew is starting Danny Woodhead which could stand to offset some of Phil/Carey’s points if he finds Danny through the air. I find that to be likely. Oh yeah, did I mention Andrew has Deangelo Williams in a rivalry game? Man, this one is gonna be close. If there wasn’t such a rich history of week two ass whoopings this could be the Matchup of The Week. I’m going with Whartenby again and I don’t feel good about it. Another projection based upset.

The Tom Hillier Experience vs Andrew Pooped His Pants
Tom vs Weston

As mentioned in the preamble to this week’s picks, I have done the same to Weston’s teams as Tj has done to Brad’s. It’s a mess really. I’m constantly in Weston’s head. In fact, he’s reading this IN MY VOICEEEEE. Let’s talk matchups – he has Brees but I have Cooks and I have Rodgers but he has the Vikings (their opponent) D and Cobb, the less likely receiver to go off. I concede that it is possible, but I like my defense and my best receiver in the league. I especially like my tight end who faces a defense that let up 3 tuddys to the position last week.  And just because I’m classy, I won’t mention how I caught Weston create a fake twitter under the name “Matthew Spence” and tweet at The Fantasy Footballers for trade advice. Also, I’m not gonna write anything specific to Weston’s team. Once again, in his head. My pick? Me, duh.

And if you watched South Park, I’m going with Turd Sandwich 2016.